I Prayed

I wasn’t raised with religion. I’d gone to Sunday school once or twice with my friend’s family. But my family didn’t have anything to do with God except for using his name in curses. So in 1996 when they anxiety torture picked up in earnest and I begin to pray I found myself curious as to what would happen. It was the torture group who had control of me and was forcing me to act out this behavior. This was reflective of them and their beliefs.

I would lay in bed after a fight I started and pray silently to god. I heard the voice of my thoughts asking god to end the problems that made my family so mean and upset me all the time. Please fix things I asked. I was hearing the thought voice. This wasn’t my own thoughts. The torture group had only just introduced religion as a belief system and was showing me through demonstrations how people practice one part of religion.

Things quickly went south. After I prayed for some length of time and nothing changed for the better the torture group used their control over me to force another private acting out. I started cursing at and flipping off god. Who was somewhere in the heavens above me. About where the torture group positioned themselves. I was in a way flipping off and cursing at the torture group, my watchers above. I was always alone in my room when I did this.

I gave up on god according to my thought voice. For years she theorized about his nonexistence and how colorful and creative the stories in religions were. But slowly creeping back into my thought voice narration was the belief not in god but in a higher power. A something, she said, made things the way they were. And I was a victim of fate and destiny. I think my torturers are more religious then they raised me to be. Or once again they were talking about themselves.


Clap On, Clap Off

For all of my torture and as long as I can remember (which are the same length of time) I’ve seen street lights go out around me every now and again. They don’t flicker. They don’t turn on. They sometimes go out when I’m passing them by. Ask my mother and she will say as she always has half jokingly “I put out that light, with my magnetic force”. She believes in this kind of stuff. I however experienced the full story and can now share it with you…

During the first few months of my schizophrenia torture when I would walk at night to relax myself I found that street lights north of my house would randomly go off. One night while I was walking in the park near there I was instructed to go sit on the swings on the playground and then I was given a show. In front of the older kid’s playground at the park by my house is a old fashioned looking lamp light placed in the middle of the grass. As I watched the light in front of the playground was going on and off while I swung on the swings. The light went off in a controlled fashion. Jakob, who was the main character at the time, would predict when and for how long the light would go on and off. This was a continuous mechanized flickering. This was said to be a special show and it was claimed that city lights were actually being shut on and off by a controller at the city’s electric company control center and Jakob was telling that person when to turn the light on and off.

That’s the story. The torture technologies interfere with one other modern technology. They temporarily put out electric street lights. Presumably when they come into contact with the beam of the technology as it’s in use. Likely a specific use and/or a specific one of the technologies. If you’re ever around a torture victim and you see this event occur then it’s one way you can know for sure that the torture group is active. There are these subtle and indirect ways of detecting the torture group in action.

Las Vegas, 2008

I was excited to go to Las Vegas with my twin sister and my mother for my twenty-first birthday. That excitement died quickly when I got there. It was too busy. I’m not supposed to like places that are busy. Too many people, too many flashing lights and my torture goes crazy. I think the torture computer has trouble processing it but no trouble throwing down torture attacks in response. It started when I found out there was no smoking in my room. I couldn’t find the smoking lounge. I wasn’t allowed to smoke inside by the torture group. Except for one visit to have my first adult drink in a bar which was enjoyable. I could have smoked in the casino but that felt wrong. I wanted to be as alone as possible. I like to smoke outside.

I was grumpy and stayed in the room for most of the trip. It’s this behavior which lead to fighting between all of us. But it was the long trip home which caused an eruption. I was so fed up with the smoking situation and all the stress of being around people with the added bonus of a hours long drive home while unable to smoke that we went at it. It was me and my mother mostly. In return for her gift the torture group decided to abuse her. At one point I asked her to let me out of the car and to drop me off wherever we were. But we were an hour from home and she refused. This request continued until we got off the freeway. It was then that I made my move.

I asked to be dropped off again. She refused. I opened the door as we were moving. She thought she’d call my bluff and kept going, I wasn’t bluffing. I jumped out of the car as she drove at a casual speed. My sister screamed my name. I don’t remember much but for rolling and twisting as I hit the street. It was shocking and startling but not too scary. When I got up a stranger had pulled over to see what had happened but drove off when she confirmed I was an adult doing a ridiculous thing during a supposed family spat. My mother stopped to check on me. I gathered myself up and started walking home which was only three or four blocks away.

My mother drove off. I felt shaken. I had pulled out some hair, ripped off the laces on one shoe and skinned my lower back falling out of the car. But I had my purse with me and stopped for cigarettes. I walked all the way home just fine and got my other sister to help me clean and treat my back. I was very lucky. It was a stupid and dangerous thing to do. I had a crick in my neck for a few days. This was the third time I consider the torture group to have played fast and loose with my life. All I know is the thought voice said jumping out of the car would be fine and it almost wasn’t. My temper carried over into other bad behavior for many years until the second year of schizophrenia torture. Now it’s a rare occurrence.







The Probability Is High

Though the torture group likes to terrorize me about what the future will bring there’s nothing more potentially dangerous to me then my time after they are done torturing me. There’s a few reason why this will be risky. The first being that after nearly three decades of being physically controlled by the torture technology I will likely have physical as well as psychological problems from this torture. I’ve been researching similar types of experiences such as kidnapping and I get information like the victims have trouble thinking for themselves. I’m thirty-three years old. I’m no longer carefully watched by adults. The torture group controls me now and tells me what to do by making me do it. I’ll be on my own for the first time ever. This could go very wrong.

Being physically controlled for this long and then set free might be a dangerous health risk. I’m told I could collapse to the ground unable to hold my own body upright independently. I find this reasonable and demand more information which they refuse to give me. I know in the case of such a medical emergency my family would find me on the ground or in an emergency state and get me immediate medical help. The time between my release from torture and my family finding me is a probable risk.

There’s the risk of the people involved in the torture group who know everything about me including my personal information like my social security number. They can do so much damage that was never allowed to be done during my torture once my torture is over. They probably won’t but knowing that they might is bothersome. I could also be at risk from attacks in person from the very people who tortured me from a distance for all these years. They might have a personal investment and be adverse to my torture ending and cutting off their access to me.

So then I would be enfeebled by my torture with the danger of people coming after me to harm me or use me. This is not good. I do have a superb support system but the problem with my family is that none of them even remotely believes the torture is real and are not in any way prepared to monitor me correctly once I’m freed from my torture. They simply don’t know what the dangers are and would never believe them. Trust me, I’ve told them plenty. They think it’s schizophrenia. I’ll have to find the way to communicate my needs and protect myself if this situation should occur. Perhaps I should write down directions in case such an event should occur. Or publish more information online until they can find the answer themselves.

I know What I Know

The torture group has withheld information from me consistently. Though they refuse to identify themselves and the men and women torturing me by name they can’t help but reveal themselves as people with personalities. They control me and then have me select favorites, display likes and opinions even complex thoughts on things like politics. This is how I came to know a few things about the torture operators.

I know what they like about me. I know what they think of fashion, books, movies, sexuality and their sexual preferences as a group and individually. They express themselves in their work. Their work happens to be torture, my torture. I know them like I know the back of my hand. I don’t need give them identifying names. I could. They will differentiate themselves by personality. Without a distinct voice or visual I know each and every one of them.

My torturers like the things they consider beautiful, interesting and special. Just as every other person does they have a personality with different tastes and opinions. This gives me a list of likes they selected. Though they’re closed of in a way I can identify the identity of the people torturing me by everything I’ve experienced in my torture. I look at all the things they’ve assigned me to like and agree with over the years. There’s some consistent tastes over the years.

In my adult torture this mature taste has been presented:

Favorite book: House of Leaves, 2nd favorite: The Poisonwood Bible

Favorite fashion designer: Alexander McQueen

Favorite Song: Blood Makes Noise by Suzanne Vega

Favorite album: 99.9 fahrenheit degrees by Suzanne Vega

Favorite color: Aqua seafoam green

Favorite drink: coffee

The torture group sometimes has temporary interests due to the rule of always keeping the topic used in torture attacks fresh by changing them consistently. I can see this best in the crush attacks over the course of my sexual torture. But in that long list is their favorite and most used person. Johnny Depp is the number one man to the torturers. I think that says something about them. It’s not someone they know themselves or through me. It’s a celebrity. They picked an unattainable man to fantasize about at work in their work as their work.

I could go on. When I would take those personality tests at the psych’s office I would always be forced to lie and say the right thing instead whatever that seemed to be to the torturers. But if I were to take one on my torturers it would show them as a group first and a collection of individuals next. I just delve into my memory for my life experience. I know them like I know what they’ve made me live as.

The Party

I’m not usually social unless it’s a family gathering. But living with my parents means I can’t avoid their party guests. I suffer through it. It’s arduous because the torture computer controlling my body can’t run without me being internally tortured too. My facade seems normal if a little nervous and tense. My inside world is taking a beating whenever people are around.

We just had our new annual cinco de mayo party. First of all I wore party clothes. A skirt, platform heels, jewelry and make-up. Things I haven’t normally worn. I felt only a little sensation torture over my appearance. It was my behavior that got me a beating. I was verbally criticized and painfully tortured with sensations in tandem for every torture group perceived social faux pas.

That’s normal. Here’s what I did “wrong”:

When our first guests arrived we didn’t have all the food ready. I told one of them to eat what he wanted when whatever was ready was ready and listed it for him; three separate times. I should have just waited.

I can’t remember the names of the neighbors we’re now friends with, couple one, and when introducing everyone to them failed to introduce them by name.

When neighbor couple two arrived I said without greeting “What did you bring” She seemed startled.

When the baby finally arrived I seized my chance to hold her. She did not like me. Dad saw this and took her back.

When my dog got startled and snapped at one of the children I said “She ran and Ginger snapped at her” seeming to blame the child who was told not to run around the dog. This caused our feisty Cuban friend to narrow her eyes.

I walked outside to get my cigarettes where some of the kids and one dad were playing volleyball. Dad and one of the kids stiffened visibly. Then relaxed as I left without smoking.

This was a six hour long party. I was less uncomfortable in my clothes then because they were focusing mainly on my odd choice of footwear. This is how every social situation goes for me. I did nothing offensive or insulting but am made to think I am always behaving wrong. That is their anxiety torture technique. The thought voice lies in her analysis of my performance always painting it negatively and I am tortured with pain as she scolds herself (me).



The Torture Technologies Revisited

The four torture technologies: audio, sensation, visuals and physical control of a body, are all undetectable to the naked eye. The victims experiences them by hearing, feeling, seeing and being made to do what the torture group deigns they will. Because these technologies are so unique the non-victims of the world are unable to identify the torture’s existence. That ignorance seemingly goes high up the chain with the military and government of some countries around the world unable to address the torture’s existence and free torture victims from the violence.


The audio technology of the torture group is able to play any recording and possibly live audio broadcasts of audio to the torture victim at levels loud enough to be clearly heard or even be intrusive in a sickening and deafening way. They don’t often do such loud audio. The audio technology is a communications device for the most part. The torture is speech based as the second of two main technologies which lead the torture. The torture group can do bothersome sounds as well as speech like the ringing electronic tones called induced tinnitus attack.


The sensation technology is a machine which when transmitted to the human body causes a sense of being touched in positive, negative or neutral feeling touch. It is the main weapon used to abuse victims. It is the only technology which can violate in sexual ways the victim. It is manipulated to confuse the victim on what real life sensations are such as being used for emotional feeling when it is a torture attack instead. This technology is always reported as being used by torture victims however indirectly they may report its use. The sensation technology can also cause smell and taste sensory reactions.


Exactly like the audio technology this technology can transmit anything which the torture group has available as video and image content. It can be so strong it can “blind” the victim with visuals. It is most often used to show disturbing content. It always blocks a portion of the victim’s vision though they can adjust to seeing it constantly. It shows visuals as clearly as anything seen in any other technology such as on a movie screen except for the eyes of the victim only.

Physical control of a body

Most often victims report experiencing mild attacks of this technology called muscle tics where the muscles of the body in one single location bulge and relax. This technology does not causes pain. It is used in tandem with the sensation technology to make the victim think it is causing pain. The torture group can control an entire human body fluidly. They can’t make a person live normal lives because working many a job is too complex to do but they can run a lower functioning life for the victim. They are dangerously successful at controlling a person’s body completely.