My brother recently went through a dramatic event. He started talking to me every day. My parents were out of the country and he used me and my sisters to ground himself. It was a very good choice of his to cope with the situation. When he didn’t call me I’d call him. It has been about a month since his big situation went down and the torture group doesn’t call him every day like they did. Now he may not need me to but that doesn’t mean anything. They just decided the crisis was over and now they should change the behavior I was doing. They make master decisions like this every day of my life. But for a while they were really criticizing me as if I had made the decision and as if I were neglecting my brother. So the topic of communicating with my brother and sustaining our relationship at a distance (he is in one area of the state and I am in another) keeps being brought up.
The crisis has indeed passed. I still keep in regular contact with my brother. I struggle to find things to talk about to him every day when I have to lead the conversation. This is the torture group creating drama to abuse me with. They assessed the situation when it first occurred. They decided when the dire part had passed. They chose to end the daily calls. They chose to harass me about the decision they made. I’m not in control here and I don’t get a say. I do what I’m forced to do. I also do not accept the blame like they’d like me to. I may feel the sensation torture pains they hit me with for each blow of their critical words but I don’t think I am guilty of anything. I know I’m not. I’m the victim.
This topic will eventually find its way out of rotation. I get the thought voice narrator bringing it up while it is popular because I am talking to my brother so much right now and he is still dealing with his issues. If I were to be forced to not call my brother and wait for him to contact me I would hear about it still. It will take for time to pass before the torture group gets bored of the topic. Then they will worry me about something else that they forced me to do. It just keeps continuing. Same old, same old.
My torturers have been doing very calm, relatively speaking, torture on the weekends. I don’t know why. It isn’t positive torture but it is less intense negative torture. I get a relaxing kind of weekend. Compared to when the week keeps me busy and I get my regular torture about things like going in to work and being bored or restless. I get this weekday attack right before I leave for work about how uncomfortable the torture group is making me feel and can I make it to and perform well at work? Well it isn’t really work, I’m a volunteer but it is as close to work as the torture group will let me get right now. I didn’t notice the peacefulness outright but it has been going on for a while. It just contrasts with the weekdays so that I can detect it better. My weekdays may be more active now but the torture is just as intense, negative and common. They don’t want to miss a beat. Until Saturday morning. Strange things these torturers.
If I were to monthly or weekly categorize the actions the torture group force me to perform by the most common I could say that spending all my spare time on the computer doing a whole lot of nothing important is big right now. I’m even less productive at my volunteer job. I don’t know what leads the torture group to this behavior but I suspect they are trying to be negative while not upsetting their decision to let me be more active. I’m saying I have spare time and get asked to do chores and I do not do them. Or I got a book from the library and I’m writing this instead of reading it. The torture group does what they want. Because they agitated my life into one they could work best with. They found the way to make me live how it best suits them and my torture.
Last October at the memorial my family held for my cousin who had died that year my monthly smoking count went back up. This month and last it increased just a tidbit more. I’m not interested in smoking as often as the torture group makes me. They’ve turned it into a truly negative torture attack. I used to enjoy smoking. It used to soothe me. I used to smoke a reasonable amount. That amount went out of control during my early schizophrenia torture. It remains something the torture group prefers to attack me over. I don’t think they want me to quit or be healthier. They like damaging me for the future in the time after they’ve stopped torturing me and I’m feeling the effects of their torture. At least they can imagine that kind of future for me.
Though my activity level remains at a positive level the torturers have been acting up in other ways. Having me gesture and mouth out my response to their invisible characters while smoking alone is harmless but strange. I rarely do that anymore. Going on rants on twitter probably only bothers me but it isn’t good behavior. The torturers are trying to upset things in other areas and have been fighting to find success and to decide how to do it. They don’t like that things are going well even a little for me.