As the journey into my schizophrenia torture continued the torture became increasingly negative to experience. What still included skits and stories that left me laughing to tears now caused the other extreme and left me sobbing as quietly as possible. This incident was a violent experience the schizophrenic torture hadn’t featured yet. From October, 2011.
Excerpt from my diary
The company violates me again
I am getting ready to go out with my father and I am sitting outside smoking. They tell me the children are playing with the company’s computers. They do a horrible pain sensation on my urethra and around it that zigzags around my vagina for several minutes. I stand as much of it as I can and then go inside to soothe myself. I try peeing but it doesn’t work. As I’m walking down the hall I am overwhelmed by the experience and slam my right fist into the wall and yell. My father and sister come in and ask me what is wrong. I tell them the voice (David) is bothering me. They try to calm me. Eventually the sensation stops.
The schizophrenia torture started of as dramatic highs and lows. This was the most intense negative sensation torture I had experienced yet in 2011. It’s always a struggle when the sensation kicks up to above my tolerance level. While I know that my torture has always featured these intense rare torture attacks it was shocking to experience one in between all of the positive torture going on. The first year of schizophrenia featured the most amount of intense negative and positive sensation torture that I’ve ever gotten. I think it couldn’t be sustained and that’s why I was brought back down to normal levels.