There’s something about hearing the thought voice speak which does not ground me but ejects me from the activity she is intended to connect me to. Being controlled by the torture group is an easy thing to connect to as my body is my existence. The torture group means for me to be manipulated and also guided by the thought voice in how to think, feel and act. But I’m not with her. I’m on the sidelines at the same time as I’m on the field. I’m in the stands and they’re operating the announcement booth. I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do. I’m both the insider and the outsider in my own body.
I don’t feel emotions like normal people do. Because my emotions are physical sensations created for me to feel by the torturers. I do feel emotions. I just have no idea what I’m supposed to be feeling anymore. I’ve forgotten them. It doesn’t make me sad to be tortured. I’m only in pain or in less pain. I don’t respond well to this torture. The sensations as emotions torture technique would work well if the torture group had a firm grasp on human psychology. Because they don’t it makes me feel like I’m living in a movie or an improvised play.
I can see from the structure of my torture how it is intended to be something. I can tell that as I live a life of their creation they are constructing it with organization signalling well thought out intent. It doesn’t match to any intention I can think of.