Excerpt from my writing on recollections of the pre-schizophrenia late anxiety torture phase experience. These were what the torture group was showing me as sexually stimulating “fantasies”. They were shown just leading up to a forced masturbation attack. Occasionally they were like daydream attacks which like regular daydreams normal people have occur during downtime during the day.
۰The mother and son
A white woman in her 30’s-early 40’s is naked with her 15-17 son in a hallway that resembles mine. She leads him down the hall and into the bathroom by his penis. My voice narrator tells me “That’s me.” saying I’m the woman. There are a few versions of their foreplay but not the sex itself.
۰The incestuous family
This fantasy came after I saw a porn video of a Hispanic man and woman having oral sex (man on woman). The voice tells me I am the young girl who is a friend of the family and that I’ve moved in with the family. The family changes appearance several times, he is a blond white man, Hispanic and a redhead. The family is shown having sex. The older brother, the young girl, the mom, the dad, the sister all have sex together. The scenes with the character I am said to be include: girl and dad-sex at the breakfast table, girl on the table with mom, bj when the dad gets home, brother and me, friend and me.
This was from 1996 when I was around ten.
A dog resembling mine and said to be mine by my voice narrator is shown in a leaping position from below. His penis is erect. My voice narrator says “That’s my dog, I love my dog.”
A man is sitting in a sofa chair and a woman approaches him. She put ties on his wrists and feet. He likes it. He is suddenly pantless. She starts giving him a bj. My voice narrator says she is me.
This was a series. The prostitute came after I was walking down the blvd. and saw a house with a red light. It was close to Halloween and was up for a few months after. My voice narrator said that was a sign of a prostitute and the story began. The prostitute had many adventures where she had sex with mostly men and some woman.
Analysis: Were these the sexual fantasies of the torture operators working my case or were they supposed to influence my sexual taste? You can’t quite tell. It’s like a piece of the puzzle is missing. This was the exact same type of shocking and taboo sexual content I experienced en masse during the first year of schizophrenia but not so much afterwards. It’s like the torture group thinks of all the wrong things that exist and then acts them out in the torture.