Wide Awake

There is no down time for me except in the depths of sleep. I’m tortured from the second the thought voice wakes me up to the moment the torture vanishes at night. The torture group doesn’t let me sleep as much as others think I am. I’m often forced by the torturers to experience torture when I’m laying down as if asleep. I mean they wake me up from sleep to run torture activity but don’t allow me to open my eyes and get out of bed. This has always occurred in my torture. This is what dream attacks also are. It’s only that much more obvious to me as the schizophrenia torture occurs.

When I wake up I’m wide awake. Something about experiencing the fog horn of the torture beginning anew each morning has taught me to wake up in every sense the moment I hear the audio kick in. It’s the thought voice I hear first. She always starts with “I’m awake. I was sleeping”. Literally she clues me in to what she claims was just happening to me like she does in other times. Even when I was getting a dream attack she will start over with the wakeup message. My mind immediately wake up at the highest alert and I will remain as mentally sharp for the entirety of my day.

During the David months, the last eight months of my first year of schizophrenia torture, they instituted a new morning torture attack. I used to get positive torture on and off throughout the day including in the morning when I first woke up. I used to commonly wake up relaxed and happy. After a while they decided to do more negative torture. And they took away my positive mornings. That was depressing to wake up to but I’m used to it now.

There’s indeed something about how the thought voice being used to always mention now the torture occurring in a more correct statement of awareness that helps me differentiate the false sensory input of the torture from real life. It was because it was so much lower in intensity even during my anxiety torture phase. It was that much more positive. It was a whole different bird. 

 

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