The crush attacks are done by the people working on my case. I think their choice of my crush will be reveals a little something about them. I’d say they really did think the work of these people was good enough to catch their attention. For the crushes I can sense a deep enchantment with the crushes physical appearance. Here are some examples of my crushes over the years.
Anxiety torture phase crushes include:
Julian Casablancas, Rivers Cuomo, Johnny Depp, R.L. a client of my mothers, Heath Ledger, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Serj Tankian
Crushes featured in my first year of schizophrenia include
Cate Blanchett, Johnny Depp, Bob Dylan, Jakob Dylan, Angelina Jolie
Post schizophrenia crushes include:
Benedict Cumberbatch, Johnny Depp, James McAvoy
So now you know the man my torturers admire the most. Mr. Johnny Depp. The things they like about him are so generic and obvious I’m not going to repeat them. In recent years Johnny Depp’s haggard appearance and scandalous marriage and more have turned the torturers against him. He is no longer their number one. I couldn’t be more pleased.
Every crush involved the research phase. That’s what I called my finding out everything I could from the internet about the people I was interested in including collecting efiles of photographs of them. I kept it hidden and was only caught a few times but everybody knew I was infatuated with these people.
A special note on the women. In a strange reversal of the male crushes the women were representing me in the fantasy stories and sexual attacks using them. It’s the earliest I can remember truly seeing someone and the torture group telling me that was I. THis occurs every day now. I’m looking at a woman who doesn’t resemble me in any way but the paleness of her skin and her femininity and they say this is you. And bam! I’m thrown into a visual, audio sensation and sometimes action torture attack where I just have to let it play and hope that something or someone from my life interrupts the party. Because I am raped with the male characters regardless of who they are multiple times a day.
The torture group doesn’t like to do these sexual attacks in front of people. Because they relax or tense my body in extreme ways. One time they ran a sexual attack when I was putting presents by the Christmas tree. I ended up laying down on the floor in a puddle and my father started asking me questions about what I was doing. He saw me behave unusually comfortable/calm. I don’t always physically interact with the sexual assault. I’m occasionally forced to grind against an invisible man while lying down.
During the time with the Jakob and David characters who were basically the same exact thing as the crush attacks but on a grander scale, you know clearer visually and audibly, I was forced to physically act out my part. I had pseudo sex with the empty air as I could feel and see everything I heard happening. It was much easier for them to do this because controlling my body let them design how I would perform. I had never done more than masturbate while experiencing the attacks before and since. They didn’t want to see it anymore. I guess it’s not interesting to them.